Meeting at Tenzan Pass
by Al Kristopher
Summary: Two very different satires each lampoon the same theme! Riou leaves the Army to find Jowy at Tenzan Pass! And in a spoof, anything goes! It's the most offensive Suikoden story EVER!!
1. Something slightly different

Author's note: I personally hate those stories where Riou leaves the (insert name here) Army and finds Jowy at Tenzan Pass, only to fight him and then declare his love. Blech! Because of my distaste (don't get me wrong, I'm just plain tired of the same formula being used over and over again. I really am against yaoi-yuri stories, unless they're done well, but I'm not a homophobe), I have finally decided to spoof it in not one, but two different ways. The first spoofing will be more satirical than funny: there'll be no humor in it, unless you consider the fact that it's lampooning said formula. The second spoofing, however, will be a full-blown parody, and I'm sure I'll offend lots of people! Yippee!

Meeting at Tenzan Pass

By Al Kristopher

Adhvanit21@aol.com

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First Point of View: Something slightly different

Tenzan Pass was a long and winding road at the end of a long and winding road--fitting! The pass itself had so many twists and turns in it that only a truly dedicated person would bother to look for something here. You could get lost in a place like this, and even if you ever do find the object of desire, escape will prove just as hard.

Oh, the similarities!!! Life itself was a long and winding road, full of complicated twists and turns and so many different ways in that it makes your head spin. Only a truly dedicated person would bother to really set out to find a Goal in life--everyone else, according to my observations, just wanders around. They think they'll find their way out (of life) eventually, and sometimes they're right. But in the process, they could get lost. They could die, or worse yet, their Goals, their _ideals_, could get lost, and in turn, so could they.

And if somebody found what they were looking for… what then? Oh, the similarities!!!

I took my time as I walked through Tenzan Pass. I was dressed for walking weather; I would not perspire easily. It was very cool in the ravine, though not chilly, and the wind in my hair felt great, though a little sick. The path itself was very rocky, with enough stubborn bushes growing here and there to constitute for an environment. There was life and fertility in this valley, but with those exceptions out of the way, Tenzan Pass was just stone.

Aha, the similarities! Life is rough, and rocky, and lonely, and barren! You find shrubs of happiness here and there, just enough to keep you going, but not so much to make you happy forever! …Not so much…… to make you happy forever…… Ha… _Those_ words sure did ring in my head as I carefully walked the path. Not enough happiness… So where can you find more? You can't stop walking on the path--otherwise, you'll never reach your destination. So, where then?

Why was I walking the path? Happiness? Fulfillment? …Boredom?

No.

I walked it because… I promised someone…

I promised them that… if we were ever separated…

We'd meet back here…

And then what?

I guess I'll just have to find out.

As treacherous as the path was, I came to my destination safely. In the distance, I could just make out the object of my search, and as cautious feet drew me closer, I held my breath inside of me as my eyes glanced at the figure. This figure turned around, having been staring at a stone with an "X" carved in it, and gave me the most hollow and empty look I had ever seen. Was it possible for humans to look so dejected?

"…Hello, Eilie," said the figure in that same gentle voice I knew. A grave lack of emotion had replaced most of the gentleness, granted, but it was still there. I responded in almost the same tone.

"…Hello, Jilia." We stared at each other for but a few brief seconds, and as I drew closer to her, she began to speak. Jilia was a Queen, in theory, so she obviously had a very goood way with words, unlike me. I tend to speak a little crudely, but I get the point across. Normally I can't stand longwinded speeches, but I made an exception in her case. After all, no matter what had gone on between us in the past, we were still friends…

"…This is where it began for us," motioned Jilia with her hand. She was pointing to the rock with a cross cut into it. "We grew up together, yes, but this… is really where it started. From this point onward, our lives were destined to draw apart, and we were destined to be enemies.

"The symbolism on the rock alone speaks for itself," she continued. "We were once divided, like the marks are at the top, but slowly we made our way together, and for a brief time, we were united, just like the cross unites at one point. But as we intersected, we also divided yet again--but this time, as you can see, there is no longer any hope of either of us ever uniting again." Her voice, as I anticipated, was flat and weary, as was her usually-beautiful body.

That came as no surprise; both of us had been through Hell in the past few months. We really had started out as friends, best friends to be exact, and even though she was royalty and I was but a gypsy, we were still very close. Sometimes, when she knew the circus was in town, she would sneak out of her house just to play with me and my sister. I always liked the way she behaved: outwardly, she was a prim princess, with tact and punctuality and decorum, but on the inside, she was wild and free.

We spent our childhoods in secret mostly, though at times Jilia's family would come out to see us perform. Little Jilia would always be kept at a distance, though. After all, her father didn't want her to be "snatched away by suspicious characters". The fact that King Blight was so protective of his daughter (and so unaware of our secret friendship) made our late-night activities all the more fun.

But as Jilia said, those times were over. We had parted ways, went our own paths, walked down a road that forked off in two different directions, and never met again. We had become enemies: she the Queen of Highland, and I myself one of the key figures in the Aegis Army. It was a classical case of civil war, and though I desperately wanted things to revert back to "the good old days", we both knew that it was impossible.

Which was why I was here. This fighting had to stop, right here and now.

"…But still," said Jilia, who had allowed the long pause in the air to retire, "even though we were on opposite sides in the war, I would still like to think that I gained something from this experience. I… want to feel like I've learned, and grown, and become… better, I suppose, or maybe wiser. But… well… I… I suppose… it had to come to an end.

"I wanted a better life," she said, avoiding my gaze. I had taken a step forward in the brief intermission she allowed, and was just about to speak my mind, but she beat me to the punch. "…I wanted to create a country where… children could wander around free, and where there would be no war, or want, or greed. I wanted to make a safe place for everybody, so they could live in peace forever.

"I… guess I just lost my ideals there," she said with a final whisper. I swallowed sadly, my own lips quivering just barely. Jilia… she had always had a good heart, even in the worst circumstances, and… I suppose… if I thought about it long enough… I suppose I could understand why she did what she did.

"Jilia… I… I wanted those same things too," I said with a whisper. She sighed, hung her head, and began to mourn silently. I couldn't blame her one bit.

"We… we were destined to fight," she said with a strained murmur. The sheer sadness in her voice was overpowering. "We may have beaten back fate a little during our youth, but… we were destined to be enemies from the first day… When we first carved that cross in the rock, and leaped into our fate…"

"I don't believe in destiny!!!" I shouted suddenly. My voice carried across the empty rocks, echoing off into the distance and scaring a few birds away. For the first time since I arrived, Jilia raised her head and looked straight into my eyes. I felt a knife of hurt cut my heart open as I looked into those once-hopeful eyes, and I darn near broke out in tears myself.

"I don't believe in destiny," I repeated in a softer voice. "Jilia… things don't have to be that way…"

"But I _killed_ people, Eilie!!" she roared, finally allowing the tears to flow as she glared at me. A mournful pause. "I killed people, both directly and indirectly… I sent so many men and women to their deaths, and I… I stained my own hands with the blood of other humans! I… I ended the lives of other people, Eilie! People just like you, and me! I… I'm a murderer!"

"And how do you think I feel?" I asked, keeping my voice soft and gentle. "Not only was I witness to several people's deaths, but I even commanded a few in battle myself! I had just as many people killed as you did, Jilia! We're no different! We're the _same!_ And we don't need to fight!"

"Yes we do…" she wailed, her face sending tears down like arrows. "I'm the Queen of Highland, and you're one of the key members of the Aegis Army. We're enemies, Eilie, we're _enemies!_ We have to fight!"

"No we don't," I repeated gently, stepping forward to take her hand. Jilia quivered at my touch, and I began to knead her fingers gently. Though she was royalty, her hands had become just as tough and coarse as mine were, but they still had that same kind of softness that I had always known. We had not changed so much in the years.

"Let's leave all that behind us now," I said gently, looking into her mournful face. I was crying just as much as she was, but I didn't let the tears affect me. "Let's go back to being Eilie and Jilia, and forget about wars and kingdoms and armies. Please…! We're… we're both too young to think about things like that. Please…" Jilia sighed, and slowly slipped her hand from my grasp. Only an arm's length away from me, I could smell the perfumes and the blood that had been sprayed on her, and I couldn't decide which was more prominent.

"…It's too late for that," she sighed. "This world is too small for two countries. We need one or the other, Aegis or Highland, and it looks as though Highland lost. Eilie…" She looked into my eyes, nearly to the point of begging, and I knew she was about to say something that I didn't want to hear. "…You have to cut off the last thread to Highland. Fight me, kill me, and your country, your Aegis country, can thrive and prosper. I know now that the better country won…"

"Jilia, no!"

"…and now all we have to do is make it official!" Jilia stepped backwards suddenly, reached into her dress, and pulled out a thin fighting knife, one not too unlike my own. She stood in offensive position, practically begging me to fight. I stared at her in horror, my mouth and eyes both wide open.

"Jilia, no!" I hissed. "I can't fight you! I won't!!!"

"Then I'll kill you!" she shouted, the tears threatening her again. The intense glare in her eyes told me that she was serious, and my best friend took a single step forward, her hand clutching a knife tightly. She suddenly dashed forward, screaming out in sorrow, and slashed at me with her weapon. My own knife came out, and I blocked her blow before it could harm me.

"That's no good!" she hissed, staring at me as she pressed her knife against mine. "Eilie, you have to fight me! I don't want to kill you, but I will if you don't fight!"

"I don't want to kill you either!" I insisted, and pushed her away. Jilia snarled at me, and lunged forward with her knife again. I blocked it, my eyes burning with pain as they stared into her own. Tears. She struck again, and I blocked, and we continued to slash and guard each other's blow for some time. I could tell that Jilia was fighting without any heart at all; she _wanted_ to die, wanted to lose, wanted to let me win…

Wanted to let me win… as always… Jilia had such a big heart… she would always let me succeed, especially if I was in a bad mood, and would always congratulate me afterwards. She always let me win no matter what we did, and even now, as she attacked me, I could tell she wanted to lose. She let me do that because…… she loved me. She… _loved_ me… And… and…

Jilia suddenly collapsed as she backed away from another duel, dropping her knife and sobbing uncontrollably. I called out her name, hoping she was all right--"JILIA!!!"--and rushed to her aide. By now, the tears had soaked her face, and were even landing on her dress. I bent down to examine her, but only got wailing in return.

"No…" she moaned, her face twisted in agony, "I……… I… can't… do it… Please, please Eilie, please… end my life…"

"I can't," I whispered, wiping her tears away with my hand. I slowly lifted her chin up, cupped her cheeks in my hands, and smiled as I gazed into her beautiful, haggard face. "I can't kill you, Jilia," I whispered. "I love you."

"…Eilie…" She began to cry again, but I smiled at her, trying to assure her that all would be okay, and we didn't need to fight, and that everything could go back to the way it once was… back to when the world was innocent, and pure, and big, and loving. Slowly, she sniffled her tears up, and gave me such a beautiful and sad smile that I could do nothing but lean forward and physically express the depth of my love with a kiss.

Her lips were not chapped like mine were; no, they were soft and moist, like a Queen's should. They were refined, and delicate, and slightly scented; mine were rough, and dry, and smelled like sweat a little, but even so, I could feel the love and tenderness she expressed as our mouths touched. She let out a soft sigh, like a dove's, and slowly, hr hand went to my short, dark hair and began to stroke it.

When I broke our kiss, I was smiling and weeping joyfully, and she had such a gorgeous and noble look to her sad face that all I wanted to do was hold her and comfort her and be with her forever--the way we were _truly_ destined to be.

"Eilie…" she whispered. With tears falling towards her mouth, her weak voice came out and declared the one thing I had known all along. "I love you too, Eilie…" Crying out of joy and sorrow, Jilia pulled me close to her again, and placed the lips of a Queen upon the unworthy lips of a gypsy, and together we held each other and cried and declared our love on that rocky pass.

"Forgive me?" asked Jilia as she whispered in my ear. I smiled back at my childhood friend, at the young lady I loved with a love deeper than life itself, and touched her face.

"Yes."

"Love me?" she asked, and I almost laughed. Jilia was cute in that way. No matter how many times I told her, she just _had_ to make sure for herself.

"Always." She smiled, her face now dried of tears, and folded her arms around my neck.

"You're so sweet…" Her mouth opened up in a genuine glow of happiness, and both our hearts exploded with love. The weight of Destiny was cast off; we felt light as doves, and forgave past sins, and kissed, and loved, and lived.

****

End of part one

Closing comments: Again, this was meant to be a serious satire, NOT a romance story. If you can't take this with maturity, I suggest you move on to the next chapter. I must warn you, though, it's going to be even more offensive than this last one!


	2. Something slightly bizarre

Author's note: _This_ story is the one that actually makes humorous fun of the "Riou reunites with Jowy, a fight ensues, angst, and they declare their love" story formula. Be prepared to laugh, be prepared to read some things that might offend you, and most importantly, be prepared to question my sanity! (not that it isn't in question already)

****

Meeting at Tenzan Pass

By Al Kristopher

Adhvanit21@aol.com

****

Second Point of View: Something slightly bizarre

Feeling very proud of himself for killing the incarnation of the Beast Rune, and basically making all of Highland look like a ridiculous group of fools, Riou merrily strolled into the Great Hall to boast of his accomplishments. But wouldn't you know it, that mean old Shu had ANOTHER "important issue" to discuss!!! No fair!!!

"Lord Riou!" called said annoying strategist. Riou rolled his eyes so much that they sank in the back of his sockets, and if Nanami were still there (God forbid), she would have dragged him towards the dark-haired man. The little brat was thankfully out of the picture, but unfortunately, Shu was not.

"Yes, Shu?" groaned Riou with as much exasperation as he could muster.

"You beat Highland, and now we want you to be our king!" declared Shu. He suddenly thrust out a crown, demanding that Riou wear it. Riou's mouth opened up in joyous rapture, and he squealed like a certain brunette martial artist whom he was related to.

"Oh, wow!!!" he exclaimed. "Yippeee!! I get to be Kii-iing, I get to be Kii-iing!" He continued to skip around Shu, singing the same song over and over again: _I get to be Kii-iing, I get to be Kii-iing!_ Shu grumbled to himself, coughed, and tried to look important for once.

"Yes, well, here's your stupid crown." Riou smiled like a child, and knelt down to receive the golden headband. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Viktor appeared!

"Riou!" he barked. "Aren't you forgetting something?! You have to go to Tenzan Pass and meet up with Jowy again!"

"That's right!" declared Apple. "The two of you need to kiss and make up, so to speak!" Everyone in the Great Hall either blushed or whistled, but poor dumb clueless Riou scratched his head.

"Huh? What're you guys talkin' about? I don't wanna see that wuss! I wanna be _King!_"

"But you _have to_ go see Jowy!" whined Teresa. "The game wouldn't end well unless the two of you settled your differences and declared your love!"

"That's sick!" blurted Riou, sticking his tongue out for good measure. "And even if I _wanted_ to go see Jowy again, I have no idea where he is!" All of a sudden, as if on cue, Viki materialized from out of nowhere!!!!

"Huh? Huh? What? What happened? Where am I?" She began looking around, dazed and confused as always, but the moment she saw Riou and Shu with a crown in his hands, she knew what was going on.

"Oh, right!!" she exclaimed. "You need to go to Tenzan Pass, right? I can get you there in a jiffy!!"

"No, wait!!" protested poor Riou. His screeches were in vain, and before anyone in the Grand Hall… or Great Hall, whatever it was called… Anyway, before anyone in the room could say "Shazam!" (and believe me, some would), both Riou and Viki had disappeared.

"Well, there they go," sighed Flik, stating the obvious.

"Viki's so lucky," sighed General Valeria. "She gets to be witness to Riou and Jowy's heartfelt reunion! And then she gets to see… well, uh… their, uh… um… (cough) their… 'heartfelt… _reunion_'…" Blushing a little, Valeria had to cough a few more times before she really got her head clear. Anita poked her from behind.

"Awww, poor Vally," she sang playfully. "Did you wanna join them for a little fun?"

"N-no!" blurted the General hastily. Anita grinned slyly and placed her hand on her rival's shoulder.

"Are you _suuuuuuuuuuuure_?"

"Yes, Anny! I'm sure!" Anita grinned, and whispered something in Valeria's ear that made her rival blush a _lot._ Shu closed his eyes, smiled weakly, and scratched his head as the two rivals tried to sneak away from the room. He reminded himself to give orders that nobody should… _disturb_ the two swordwomen for the next few hours.

__

Meanwhile!!!

With a ZAP, both Viki and Riou emerged at Tenzan Pass, right at the place where all that fuss had began. Jowy, who was expecting his "friend" to arrive on foot, nearly had a seizure as he saw his love--I mean, his _friend_ emerge from the air, along with a girl with long black hair. _That_ was something he didn't see every day!

"Riou! Some other chick I don't know! What are _you_ doing here?!" he blurted. Riou grumbled and nursed a bump on his head; Viki was absorbed with watching a butterfly.

"This girl teleported me here!" grumbled Riou, pointing his thumb at the engrossed Viki. Jowy nodded his head once.

"Oh, okay. Well, thanks girl! Now, if you'll just leave us alone, Riou and I will conduct our, umm… (cough) business!" A pause. Both young men looked at each other and scratched their individual heads. Suddenly, Viki snapped out of her trance.

"Huh? What? What happened?"

Two groaning sounds came from the boys.

"Viki, would you please leave us be for awhile?" moaned Riou. The adorable blink mage shook her head firmly.

"No way! I wanna stick around and watch the two of you make sweet passionate love!" At her overly-honest language, Jowy blushed furiously, but Riou's red face was caused by anger.

"VIKI!! What kind of thoughts run through that head of yours, anyway?!"

"It's best not to know…" murmured the young girl mysteriously. This led both boys to scratch their heads yet again, but before they could ask her what she meant, Viki had accidentally teleported herself away, leaving the two lov--erm, _friends_, alone!

"Weird girl!" murmured Jowy to himself. Riou could not disagree. Jowy came back to the situation at hand, and began his long, boring, and very-much pointless speech. "Riou, it was here where our lives parted…"

"Aw, man!" whined the young hero. "Is this gonna take long?! I promised Eilie I'd go out with her!"

"Eilie?!" blurted Jowy, a tinge of jealousy in his voice. "You mean that gypsy girl?"

"Yeah, so?"

"But… I thought you loved me!" whined the other boy. "I thought we were destined to be lovers--I mean, enemies! ENEMIES! I meant enemies! …What did I say?"

"………Definitely not what I _wanted_ to hear," murmured Riou. Jowy growled, shook his head, and quickly changed the subject.

"Anyway," he said, bringing out his Star Staff, "we have to fight, okay? Highland and the Aegis Army are enemies, or some crap like that, so in order for peace to thrive and blah blah blah, you have to kill me!"

"Okay," shrugged Riou with surprising indifference, and the young hero dashed forth to give his "friend" a mighty bonk on the head with his Destiny Fang Staff.

"OW!" wailed Jowy, rubbing the large bump. "RIOU!!! You're not _supposed_ to fight me! You're supposed to say something like, 'Oh, we can't fight, Jowy, because you're my friend and I love you'!" Riou, who was very much confused at Jowy's behavior, scratched a head that never seemed to lack an itch.

"But… you _said_ we need to fight each other!"

"Yeah, but… YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY _FIGHT_ ME!!!"

"I'm so confused!" moaned Riou. Jowy growled and prepared himself for another fight.

"Riou!" he shouted. "You have to kill me! You have to get rid of all members of the Blight family! Luca and Agares are dead, and God only knows where Jilia is, so I'm the last one! Kill me and this long war will end!"

"Okay," shrugged Riou with the same amount of indifference as before, and once again he dashed forward to give Jowy a mighty bonk on the head.

"OWWWW!!!!" screamed Jowy, tears coming from his eyes. "RIOU!!! What are you _doing_?!" A pause. Riou stuck his finger in his mouth innocently.

"…Uhhh… killing you?"

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL ME!!!!!!" spat Jowy. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REFUSE!!!!"

"But you told me to--"

"Never mind!" growled Jowy, standing up for one more attack. "Riou, if you don't fight back, then I'll kill you!"

"Okay," shrugged Riou again, and before Jowy could take a single step, Riou dashed forward and gave Jowy yet another mighty bonk on his head. Three enormous knots formed on the lad's poor noggin, and tears of pain gushed out of his eyes as he fell to the floor.

"Ack, no!" he wailed. "Riou! You're supposed to scream out my name as I fall!"

"…Why would I do that?" wondered the poor boy. "You've been begging me to kill you ever since I got here, and now you want me to make sure you're _okay_? Geez, no wonder you're such a wuss!" Jowy moaned out in defeat as Riou stood there, and held his hand out in one last desperate attempt.

"(Koff koff) Riou… my dear friend… (koff koff) Take… the Rune on my hand…"

"Okay," shrugged Riou, and the young boy knelt down and grabbed Jowy's hand.

"Riou!!!" screamed poor Jowy. "What are you doing?! You're supposed to refuse!"

"Oh, that's IT!!!!!!" roared the hero. Gnashing his teeth in a rage, Riou threw away his puny sticks and produced a humongous grenade launcher. Jowy's eyes bugged out to the size of moons as they stared into the gaping barrel.

"Riou!" he blurted. "You have such a big gun!!!"

"Oh, shut up!" wailed Riou angrily. "I'm not in love with you, so don't suggest it! It's Eilie who has my heart! Eilie and Eilie alone!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Jowy. "How could you choose a trampy gypsy like her over a hot, sexy, gorgeous young boy like me??" Riou only needed a fraction of a second to answer that question.

"Because, oh I dunno, maybe I _like GIRLS?!?!?_" Jowy swallowed, and stammered in disbelief.

"But… I thought… I thought…"

"Eilie's nice and cute and sweet and sexy--oh, boy is she sexy!--and she takes care of me and she's compassionate and _she has frickin' jugs!!!_"

"But… I thought…" Riou suddenly loaded his enormously enormous weapon, clicked the safety off, and pressed his finger on the trigger. "Riou!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _THINK OF THE FAN GIRLS!!!!!_"

"Fan girls THIS, you wuss!!!!" roared Riou, and without a second wasted, he blew Jowy's poor widdle head off--along with the rest of him.

"Ouch," said Jowy. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Shu appeared!!

"Oh my god, he killed Jowy!" he screamed. "You monster!"

"Whatever," snorted Riou, walking away from the blasted cliff as if he did that sort of stuff every day. Shu groaned in confusion, scratched his head, and decided not to ask.

__

Sometime later!!!!

Riou returned to his castle and received a hero's welcome. Eilie ran up to him and gave him a big hug, and he twirled the young woman in the air until they both grew dizzy. Then, Riou planted a loving kiss on her mouth.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" screamed the ghost of Jowy.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" screamed every fan girl ever made.

"I'm hungry," said Bolgan. Riou and Eilie smiled happily at each other, and together they became King and Queen of all of Aegis country!

And they all lived crappily ever after!

****

The End!!!


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